Eyes to See

The last few months have been hard. It's interesting how my ability to cope with my chronic illness comes in waves. I think I go through stages of the grieving cycle over and over again. Different things can trigger the process.

But times like these leave me searching more fervently in my life for the hand of God, for His tender mercies. I find that I can cope better with the hard times when I can know and feel that God is aware of me and my life.

I wanted to record a few of those times I have recently had.

- I was well enough to enjoy a delightful little getaway with my hubby (more on that to come). (This is more than just a small miracle.)

- Our kids stayed well until pretty much the minute we got home.

- Hubby and #2 stayed well and were able to go to Washington D.C. (together with #3, who was one of the two who got sick originally).

- While hubby and #2 and #3 were out of town, #1 and I have had wonderful, one-on-one time together. (I have never had such concentrated time with my son!)

- We had a tender mercy when my son slept in last week on Sunday. We had stayed up late the night before talking (awesome). He was going to find someone with whom he could attend church (I attend a different ward that meets later, what with my weird sleep issues and all). But he fell back to sleep, so he ended up coming with me. Nevermind enjoying sacrament meeting with him (I'm usually alone so that was a treat), but the Relief Society fifth Sunday lesson was a combined lesson with the young men! So I got to sit by my son in Relief Society. (In over two decades of Relief Society attendance, I've never seen that done. I liked it.) What are the odds of that? Wow.

- A few weeks ago, I hit a pretty bad "low." (It was on Mother's Day weekend, but not Mother's Day driven.) I went to church so weighed down, so weary. The night before, I'd had one of those prayers pleading for strength, for something to help me feel a little more connected to heaven, on that heavenly radar screen as I like to say it. I went home between sacrament meeting and Sunday School to take meds (antibiotics). I came back to find my usual class full, so I slipped into the back of the other class.

And wouldn't you know it? The second I sat down (I'm not exaggerating), the teacher quoted something that really felt just for me. It blew me away. That day, there were also a string of simple kindnesses shown by people that helped me feel God's love. (It's a reminder that little things really can make a difference.)

I was grateful for my mother-in-law who recently shared some of the tender mercy moments she has noticed as well. I felt the Spirit so strongly as she shared.

God is real. He is there. We just need to pray for eyes to see.

Some healthy recipe ideas

I like to browse recipe ideas to get ideas of my own. This had some combinations that sounded quite yummy.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=15467876

"We are here to mess up!"

I'm not always a fan of Mondays. I really, really love Sundays and sometimes it's hard for me to get back into the routine.

But today was good. After my usual late sleep, I got up and got the kiddos. I helped #3 with homework and then went on a date with her (my new Monday tradition, I hope). We just ran errands and got her a cheap treat (required for dates -- both the cheap part and the treat part).

I made Mexican food for a belated Cinco de Mayo something-or-another (this included my first attempt at homemade guacamole. Yum.)

And then it was Family Home Evening. I wasn't sure what we were going to do, but as is often the case, things unfolded in a beautiful way. #1 was asked to share some of his Duty to God goals. And then I had the thought to ask #3 to share what she learned from her research earlier in the day, which was about antioxidants and how eating a fruit or veggie in each meal (and each snack) can help prevent free radicals from forming (free radicals are formed when we eat fats AND carbs).

Anyway, she looked a little puzzled as to what this had to do with a spiritual lesson, but there was a parallel that hubby and I had noticed earlier in the evening as we talked about the article she had read. According to this research, it's better to eat one fruit or veggie at each meal. The benefits of doing a little in a consistent way seem better than cramming a bunch of fruits and veggies into one sitting.

It brought to mind what Elder Bednar talked about in the 2011 BYU Women's Conference. I wasn't there, but read this article that summed it up.

“I believe many, if not all, of the most satisfying and memorable accomplishments in our homes, in the Church, in our jobs and professions and in our communities will be the product of this important spiritual pattern — of small and simple things,” Elder Bednar said. “We should find great comfort in the fact that ordinary people who faithfully, diligently and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results.” ...

“The spiritual pattern of small and simple things bringing forth great things produces firmness and steadfastness, deepening devotion and more complete conversion to the Lord Jesus Christ and His gospel,” he said. “As you and I become increasingly steadfast and immovable, we are less prone to zealous and exaggerated spurts of spirituality followed by extended periods of slackness.”

We read Alma 37:6-7, too.

#3 curled up next to me and started to cry. She was feeling bad that she hasn't done so well on her prayer and scripture study. (She's 9.) We encouraged her and told her that God knows that we need help remembering. That's why we have family night, and scripture study, and church meetings and the sacrament, and....

#2 jumped in as we talked about how we are all imperfect in her classic, upbeat, quick and clever way. She stood up and raised her hands above her head as she yelled, "We are here to mess up!"

Yes, I am a blessed momma.

p.s. We had fun tracking the Thanks a Million, Mom ecard to see if it really would make it to a million. It did, after everyone else was asleep.

Mother's Day

Well, at least I'm writing a bit on holidays.... (So much for my noble intentions for writing more here about my life.)

I love being a mom. I love it more and more as each month and year passes. I think that is because I'm growing into this role more and more (I hope I am, at least) and also because I realize more and more how quickly they really DO grow up. It's killing me, actually, to think about it. I wish I could go back and mother my little ones with what I feel I know now, and I worry that it'll be like my LDS mission...where I finally felt like I knew how to be a good missionary when my mission was over.

My alarm clock yesterday was my 9-year-old curling up in bed next to me. Quickly behind her was her brother and sister, with gifts in hand. #3 had covered my computer desk with notes and coupons. I will have to take a picture. She is my notes girl. I think that is her language of love.

This is the ecard I selected for my own momma. I made a list of some of the reasons I am grateful for her.

A Million Thanks

(By the way, I'm letting it run to see if it really does go up to a million. But yes, I turned the sound off!) ;)

Mother's Day content abounds, but here are a couple of favorites:

The Influence of Mothers

Happy Easter!

All of my wonderful plans to help us all prepare for Easter pretty much fell through the cracks. (What a week. What a month.)

And all our wonderful plans to celebrate Easter with my fam fell through the cracks Saturday night around 9:30 when our daughter was diagnosed with strep.

It is now 1:30 a.m. (did you know I have a sleep disorder? (that's the simplified explanation)) and I have no idea what we will eat to celebrate the day (because, you know, I wasn't planning on cooking). It may be chicken nuggets. We do have eight pounds of yummy-smelling strawberries for the fruit parfait thing that I was going to make for the extended family event. (But my children don't like pudding so we'll have to do our own something here.)

But, you know, we'll still be together as our own little fam, and that is good.

Hope your Easter is wonderful!

p.s. See my other blog for my favorite Easter hymn, and another interesting little video.
p.s.s. I also share memories of a very special Easter at Mormon Women: Who We Are today.

Spring Break! And pre-Easter wonderfulness....

It's spring break around here, but you wouldn't know by the weather. We had snow all day. It looks like next week will be better.

I was able to bring in the Easter season in an amazing way, though. Hubby and I saw a performance of Rob Gardner's Lamb of God. Amazing. I left in tears and the lump in my throat lingered for a while. It was really powerful. And also great because I got to support my dad, who sang in the choir. Someday I hope to be able to participate myself. I miss singing.

Here are some videos that can give you a glimpse. But I'll tell you, there is nothing like hearing music like this live. The choir was at least double the usual 60, and the acoustics were amazing. And I don't know that I've ever heard such angelic sopranos.

Close to the surface

Had an amazing evening Thursday. Don't have time to explain much, but I talked to a couple of women after a dinner/speaker meeting I attended. One was a mom of seven and the other was a mom of five. A mom of eight came up a few minutes later.

We were talking about what a blessing it is to have children, to be mothers. I was so grateful to feel of their spirits and their faith.

And I shared with them, as is not uncommon for me, about how we have wanted more children but haven't been able to because of my health. (I don't feel like there is any benefit in holding that close to my chest -- I think we can benefit from sharing a little of our hearts and lives as women, and I also want people to know where my heart is on this. It pre-empts the comments like "Oh, yes, three is the new six.")

I still am mourning that reality. Tears were welling in my eyes as we talked. They were so kind and gentle and encouraging and I'm grateful. It's wonderful to me that perfect strangers can be such good sisters in a moment like that.

It's hard to have that ache and not be able to fill it.

I know it's not the same as infertility. I know I'm incredibly blessed to have the three I have. But that doesn't take away the reality of the longing I still feel.

I take comfort in this comment from Sister Beck. (Again, I know my situation is not the same as those couples who are infertile or those women who aren't yet married and have a double-whammy ache in their hearts. But this still helps my sometimes-aching heart.)

I know of many couples who desire to have children and aren’t given that blessing. Their challenge is the challenge of not having children, and we need to be listening and supportive and encouraging toward them. And I also believe that the desire to have children in the single sisters and in these couples probably won’t go away if they’re righteous, because that is a God-given desire. It speaks to their very natures and the training they received in the heavens. So that longing will not go away. But the Lord will bless them.